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Monday, Aug. 18, 2008

Linda Lewis Griffith: Are you headed for a breakup?

It’s never simple or easy to end a longtime relationship, but sometimes it must be done. Remaining in an unhappy situation will only prolong the inevitable and prevents you from finding Mr. or Miss Right

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Breaking up is never easy. It’s a time of change, uncertainty, loneliness and heartache.

But calling it quits after a long-term, unmarried relationship can be especially devastating. Although the two people involved aren’t technically divorcing, they may experience the breakup as an emotional earthquake and find that their living arrangements, social lives, finances and egos are scattered in disarray amid the rubble of their lives.

From a love nest to a slugfest

This sense of psychological destruction catches many newly singled partners by surprise. One thirty-something client reported to me, “I don’t know why I’m taking this so hard. After all, we weren’t even married.” Some intentionally avoided tying the matrimonial knot to escape the pain of a marital failure.

The reality of the situation, however, is usually quite different. Schedules and furnishings that had become entwined like lush jungle vines are hacked apart with no regard to either survivor. The previously happy love nest devolves into an angry, spiteful slugfest, as couples divide their possessions as well as their history, their sofa as well as their memories.

As a result, both parties become immediately destabilized. If they shared living space at least one of them must find a new address and the furnishings that go with it. Friends also assume a yours-or-mine status. It’s not unusual for exes to be voted out of the social circle and realize they are isolated and alone when they are in dire need of support.

The cold reality

Even though long-term unmarried relationships aren’t formalized by a vow and a license, they may still be fraught with dreams of their own. “I thought I’d finally found the right person,” a young woman confided. But rather than riding off with her Prince Charming, she eventually realized there would be no happy ending to her fairy-tale romance. Her wish for a rosy future faded into depression and remorse.

Then there are the years. All that time invested into a relationship that eventually fizzled. Some regard their lengthy time together as a failure. Others make it the sole reason to go on: “We’ve been dating since high school. We can’t break up now.”

These relationships don’t end for lack of effort. Often one or both members have gone to great lengths to keep their love boat afloat. Even so, some couples can’t go the distance. All the work only makes the eventual breakup even harder when it comes.

Another side

Although splitting up is never easy, it may actually be for the best. Let’s face it…not all relationships should survive and flourish. And those that have been slogging along for eons may be candidates for the ax.

Maybe you’ve made a poor choice in your partner. People who abuse drugs or alcohol, can’t hold a job, cheat on you while you’re dating or explode over the least little thing aren’t folks you want to spend time with. If you’re involved with one now—no matter how long you’ve together — it’s wise to turn tail and run.

Other relationships lack commitment. A man may still be married and have no plans to leave his wife. Or a woman may be unwilling to leave her job and move closer to you. Without two folks who are gung-ho to make it work, a relationship will wither and die.

Finally, some people aren’t meant for each other. They’re not bad. They’re just not well-suited. No matter how many years they chalk up together, they are never going to click.

Staying together until you’re old and wrinkled doesn’t make you a better match. It only prolongs the inevitable and prevents you from finding someone else. Do both of you a big favor and pull the plug ASAP.

SIX TIPS WHEN LEAVING YOUR LONGTIME LOVER

If you’re ending a long-term relationship, keep these ideas in mind:

• Stabilize your life as quickly as possible. You may feel as if you’re in a free fall, so regain control wherever you can. Find a place to live if you need to. Get a job so you can pay your bills. Don’t make any unnecessary decisions. You have enough to take care of at the moment.

• Find support from friends and family. Now’s the time to rely on your support system, whoever that may be. Talk to loved ones. Go out with pals. If you’ve lost friends because of the breakup, look for another group where you belong.

• Recognize that healing takes time. The pain won’t last forever. But it won’t go away overnight. Allow yourself to establish a new routine and get back on your feet.

• Don’t call or see your ex. Yes, you’re lonely and miserable. But getting together only opens old wounds. Find something else to divert your attention.

• Don’t get involved in a rebound relationship. The last thing you need now is a new love interest. It’s tempting but not a good choice. Wait until you’ve recovered before going out to prowl.

• Learn from this experience. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned when a relationship is dead and gone. Did you pick a loser? Did you spend too long with a person who wouldn’t commit? Did you get involved before you knew the person well? Did you move in together too quickly? Analyze what happened with a cool head and an open mind. You’ll be a smarter shopper next time.

— Linda Lewis Griffith